Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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