just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
