I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
i just wanna soil my oats bro
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
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