Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.