i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
