his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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