Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
