i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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