____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
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