i was born a porn star she said
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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