You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
