The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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