She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
