she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
