I cockslap morals
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
