There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
So much Jack, so little girl.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
