I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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