It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
