She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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