He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize
