I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
