THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
