She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize