Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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