Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
