Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
