I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
