she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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