I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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