Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
