my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
