My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
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