i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
