i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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