How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
