Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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