u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
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He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
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Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
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