FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
