She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
