Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
