....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am one with the molecules
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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