In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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