I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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