Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
