I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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