i already hear my dad disowning me
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
