I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
