Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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