just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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