Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
