if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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