Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
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After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
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I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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