Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
