I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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