I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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