i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
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You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
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Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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